Introduction To WEASEL
by distraught.hallelujah
Summary: Itachi is somehow stuck in our world and held at the mercy of a crazed fan girl/president of W.E.A.S.E.L. Will he survive, or will Twinkies and pink feathers get to him before he finds his way back to the world of Naruto? W.E.A.S.E.L. handbook included.
1. Itachi's Bad Day

Itachi's Bad Day

Itachi wasn't sure how he got here. He also wasn't sure how he somehow lost his Jutsu, which he learned the hard way when he was immediately assaulted by enemy ninja after having appeared in a world much different from his own.

He remembered seeing an alleyway, which wasn't very strange in and of itself. Next thing he knew, however, a huge round metal creature with a person inside of it barreled past. While he was trying to figure that out, someone appeared at the end of the alleyway and began heading towards Itachi. Firstly, the person didn't see him because her face was buried in a thick book. Secondly, when she bumped into him and saw him in all his tall dark handsomeness for the first time, she screamed. To be expected.

And the next thing Itachi knew, the book was brought down on his head and everything went black. That was after, of course, he had realized that not only was his Sharingan not working, but when he tried to step out of the way, all of his Taijutsu training failed him and he was not nearly fast enough to dodge the 300 pages of angry processed tree pulp.

And now he was tied up in somebody's basement being forced to listen to endless reruns of what turned out to be a Justin Bieber CD. And he still had no clue what was going on.

Then there were footsteps. Itachi's muscles tensed, ready to snap out of the ropes or yank the enemy ninja into his Genjutsu. Oddly enough, when an ordinary (as in 'not enemy ninja-looking') girl appeared warily at the bottom of the steps, Itachi hesitated for a moment.

Her clothes were very strange, of course. For some reason, she wore very little. Short little shorts and a tiny tank top, but that was not all. Her legs were entirely bare down her ankles, and finally she wore little sandal-like shoes.

"You're a very bad man, aren't you?" She accused, raising a finger to point, one eyebrow arched. Itachi blinked and gave her a clueless expression, for that was exactly how he felt at the moment.

"Mom doesn't know you're here," the girl continued, folding her arms behind her back and starting to pace, glancing at him every now and then. "My name is Liz," she finished. "And you look very much like someone I know, but that would be impossible. I wanted to know for sure though. That's why I didn't turn you over to the police."

"Itachi Uchiha," Itachi said slowly. Liz froze.

"You mean, like, you're a fan too, or that's your name?" She asked weakly.

"That is my name," Itachi clarified.

"Are you, like, from a cosplay group or something?" Liz asked suspiciously.

"I do not know where this Village Hidden in Cosplay is, but I am not from there," Itachi said. "Where is this place?"

"This?" Liz asked, looking around. "This is my basement. It's not very nice, I know, but you're my prisoner so you don't exactly need a three-story condo. The Itachi Uchiha I know stars in an anime show called Naruto. If you're not cosplaying Itachi and your name is Itachi, then either your parents have a weird sense of humor or I'm your biggest fan."

"My parents," Itachi admitted. "I don't know what they were thinking."

"Aha!" Liz exclaimed, pointing. "So you aren't the actual real bona fide Itachi Uchiha, even though you look a lot like him except for the Sharingan and you sulk a lot like him too, not to mention have his eyebrows."

"You know about my Sharingan?" Itachi asked curiously. He was very carefully ignoring the eyebrow comment. Liz paused.

"I am getting nowhere," she said, hanging her head. She walked over to the CD player and pressed a button, and the infernal noise stopped. Itachi gave a silent sigh of relief.

"Are you or are you not _the_ Itachi Uchiha?" Liz demanded.

"I am," Itachi said.

"The one that killed the entire Uchiha Clan, went rogue, and is now an infamous member of the group of crime lords called the Akatsuki?"

"Yes."

"The one who had an adorable little brother named Sasuke who's a real ladies man, has a partner who's half fish, and has obtained the rare Mangekyo Sharingan that can hypnotize?"

"Yes."

"The one who's super, super hot and, like, my favorite character ever but he can't be real except that he is and standing right in front of me entirely at my mercy and that makes my heart beat, like, really, really fast?"

"I do not know where you're getting your information," Itachi said distastefully. "But whoever told you that was mistaken."

"I think I'm right; you so totally are!" Liz squealed. "Oh my gosh, I am actually talking to Itachi Uchiha, heartless mass murderer and evil man who actually tried to attack me in an alley but was thwarted by _me_, the one and only Liz Garrett! I… am… the luckiest person in the world."

"Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett!" Someone shrieked from upstairs.

"That's my mom!" Liz exclaimed. She turned to go, and then stopped momentarily. "Don't say anything, okay?" She pleaded. "If mom finds out you're here, she's going to kill me! Stay and be my guard weasel while I'm gone! Good boy!"

Then Liz was gone. The exact speed of a human teenage girl when faced with punishment for keeping her favorite mass-murdering anime character in her basement has not yet been figured out, but it was probably faster than a military jet.

Itachi blinked. He had no idea that females, and mothers at that, could be so violent towards their children. The fact that her mother might actually _kill_ her if she found out about Itachi being there, against his own will, mind you, was a frightening thought. He was also carefully ignoring the guard weasel comment.

Itachi waited a minute. A minute became two, and the next thing he knew, Liz was back. Oddly enough, the exact speed of a teenager when wanting to get back to her favorite mass-murdering anime character in the basement might just be faster, if that was even possible. Itachi blinked yet again, and there she was.

"You are so cool," she whispered. She straightened up and cleared her throat. "Anyway, you've got five minutes to tell me everything about yourself so that I can put it up on my blog and tell everyone of Itachi Uchiha's unprecedented awesomeness. This you will tell me, otherwise I will force it out of you. I took longer because I had to choose my torture instrument, which I did."

She pulled her hand from behind her back with an artistic flair, and a single bright pink feather wavered in the air. Itachi stared at it for a moment.

"What are you planning on doing with that?" He asked.

"I'm going to tickle you either until I get the information I want from you or I get enough nerve to use a better feather," she said firmly. "No matter how much you scream, I will not stop until you tell me all your little secrets."

"When I was very young, too young to object, I used to wear SpongeBob underwear," Itachi admitted, a little embarrassed. "My mother said I looked cute in it, but by the time I was able to talk, I demanded Iron Man underwear instead."

"That's sick," Liz said disgustedly. "The teenage heartthrob Itachi Uchiha, _shirtless_, but a three year old in SpongeBob underwear. That's false advertising, if not illegal. All right, I do have a related question for you. Boxers or briefs?"

Itachi paused.

"What?" He asked, frowning slightly.

"Boxers or… never mind; you strike me as a boxers person, I'm thinking. What about your favorite color?"

"Black," Itachi replied.

"Favorite TV show?"

"'Black Butler,'" Itachi replied.

"Favorite food?"

"I eat anything but peanuts. I'm allergic to peanuts."

"I see. Uh-huh… uh-huh… peanuts, you say…"

*scribble, scribble, scribble*

"Favorite ice cream flavor?"

"Black Cherry. Once they gave me rainbow sprinkles on it, even though I specifically stated I wanted it plain."

"How dare they!"

"Yes. How hard is it to make plain ice cream, really? I couldn't help but notice that they got Kisame's perfectly correct, right down to the number of gummy bears. I considered it a personal affront, and I told them where they could put it."

"…I see. You didn't… I don't know, kill anyone? That's actually kind of disappointing."

"Is it?"

*clears throat, tries to look professional* "Favorite snack?"

"Very dark chocolate, 60% cocoa or more. I find the Belgian kind preferable."

"You are every girl's dream," Liz sighed. "With a sweet tooth," she added as an afterthought. "You'll love my cooking, though – everything I make turns out black, even the rice. How awesome is that? We were, like, meant to be!"

"No comment," Itachi replied. Liz suddenly frowned.

"You are being oddly cooperative," Liz said suspiciously. "Are you not the right Itachi? Did I get the wrong one? Or… did I accidentally give you amnesia when I hit you on the head with my book? Is that it? Oh, my gosh; I didn't, like, kill your brain, did I? Your gorgeous though frightening brain in which little chocolate demons spin around singing 'Singing in the Brain?'"

"'Singing in the Brain?'" Itachi repeated, frowning. He thought for a moment, listening to Liz hum softly, and then realized what Liz was humming. "That is wrong beyond words," Itachi commented.

"Yeah, I can't sing to save my life," Liz admitted. She raised the feather menacingly. "Now keep talking, or I'll stuff you so full of Twinkies that you'll pop like a Mongolian Air Balloon!"

"Twinkies?" Itachi repeated. "Apparently I haven't quite grasped your language yet, Ebenezer."

"It's Liz!" Liz snarled. "Do you know how many times I've dreamed of Itachi Uchiha calling me Liz? Now he actually appears in real life and calls me by my middle name. It's Liz, darn you, and now I just have to give you a Twinkie because you just look so cute!"

Liz raced back up the stairs. The exact speed of a teenage girl getting her favorite mass-murdering anime character a Twinkie was not quite as fast as either the speed when being faced with punishment for keeping said favorite mass-murdering anime character in her basement or with the speed of when wanting to get back to said favorite mass-murdering anime character in the basement, but it was still not a force to be reckoned with.

"A Twinkie?" Itachi wondered aloud. He shook his head. He needed to concentrate on getting out. For some reason, everything was wrong. He couldn't feel his chakra, he forgot all his Ninjutsu, his Sharingan wasn't working, and he didn't have a laser ring on his left middle finger. He'd have to make do.

Itachi tried to reach into his small bag of ninja weapons at his waist, but the Akatsuki cloak prevented him from reaching. He pulled his legs up to his chest and tried to bite the bag and pull it out of the cloak, but that failed too.

And then Itachi Uchiha was introduced to his first ever Twinkie. When Liz appeared again, she had something in her hand. As Itachi opened his mouth to ask her if that was a Twinkie she had mentioned, she shoved it into his mouth. Itachi looked thoughtful as the soft doughy sponge released to let out the sickeningly sweet cream inside.

"Too sweet," he gagged, spitting out the Twinkie. Liz screamed, then quickly clapped a hand over her mouth as she pointed accusingly.

"Inhuman," she snarled. "You… don't… like… Twinkies! Gah!"

"Does it come in chocolate?" Itachi suggested.

"Chocolate!" Liz sputtered. "He who has just tasted _heaven_ asks if it comes in _chocolate_! You, my fine Sharingan-ed friend, are inhuman, I say! Inhuman! And I thought I was weird because my initials were the abbreviation for an electroencephalogram! Thou hast tasted Twinkie, and thou hast spit it out. Inhuman, I say!"

"I heard you the first three times," Itachi murmured.

"The first three weren't enough! Inhuman, I say! And I say it again! Inhuman _fiend_!" Liz shrieked. Itachi glanced up at her.

"If you don't stop, your mother will find out all about your little secret," Itachi said pointedly. Liz clapped a hand over her mouth and set herself to fuming silently. Itachi sighed.

"You are a very loud person, you know that?" He said thoughtfully. "Could you untie me, please? My hands are falling off."

"Never," Liz whispered fiercely. "I quite like having you tied up in my basement. Not many girls get this opportunity. Oh! I forgot. I was going to tickle you with a feather, wasn't I?" A crazed look came over Liz's face. "I will make Itachi Uchiha laugh if it _kills_ me. Or him. It might kill him."

"I do not have time for this," Itachi said, straining against the ropes. The fact that mere ropes could restrain Itachi Uchiha was impossible, and yet here it was. He gave it one more tug and then became aware of a soft fuzzy feeling just below his left ear. He met Liz's eyes, three inches from his.

"What are you doing?" he asked, frowning slightly.

"I am playing with my life," Liz replied proudly, giving the feather another little tweak. Itachi winced slightly as the very tip of the feather brushed uncomfortably against his skin. "And dead enjoying it," she said, smothering her laughter as she stuck the feather into his ear. "Tickle, tickle, tickle…"

"Stop that," Itachi ordered, turning his head the other way. Liz switched to his other ear and then moved the feather down to just below his chin. Itachi bit his tongue.

"Thtop thet thow thor I'm thoing to kell loo," he slurred through his tongue. Liz grinned and the feather wavered slightly back and forth over his skin. Itachi dragged the nails of his left hand over his right hand's palm, the equivalent of pinching himself hard with his hands tied.

"I told you what you wanted to know," Itachi said mournfully. "You are a very evil young woman. And quite frightening, might I add. You remind me of someone."

"It's been my life's work," Liz admitted. "I've always wanted to tickle Itachi Uchiha with a bright pink feather. Laugh, inhuman fiend, laugh!"

Itachi clenched his teeth, but he could feel the urge to exclaim in laughter rising up within him.

And then Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett discovered Itachi Uchiha's ticklish spot. Just beneath his jawbone, in a spot nearly exactly between his collarbone and his left ear, the feather just grazed his skin. There was a moment of silence in which Liz teased the feather back and forth, and then Itachi laughed.

It was apparent that he was trying very hard not to, but that happened to be his one weak spot. Liz looked dangerously triumphant as she tickled with new vigor, and Itachi was muffling his chortles. It was very difficult, he admitted, not to burst out with laughter, which would be quite wrong for him to do. His contract probably expired as soon as he had to bite his tongue to keep himself from laughter. The contract clearly stated 'Thou shalt not take pleasure in being tickled under any circumstances, especially not with a pink feather held by a crazed teenage girl fan.'

He had broken every rule, he was not happy, and he was still laughing against his will. Itachi had a new burning hatred for teenage fan girls, and this one… this one would go far.

Liz finally took the feather away, and Itachi gasped for breath. Liz was beaming.

"I did it!" She exclaimed, doing a little happy dance. "I successfully—"

"Did what?" asked a warning voice from behind Liz. Liz froze, and Itachi glanced over her shoulder to see a plump woman with reddish blonde hair much like Liz's standing by the bottom of the stairs, hands on hips, jaw set in grim determination.

Liz froze. There was a moment in which her eyes widened and her jaw flopped open and closed, wordlessly, like a fish out of the water. Then, they were just able to form words as Liz turned towards Itachi.

"Help me," she mouthed.

Elizabeth Ebenezer Garrett, crazed Itachi Uchiha fan at work and evil master planner, heir to the throne of Lizzie Land and president of the ultimate Itachi Lovers Unite! Club (known as W.E.A.S.E.L.), was doomed.

~ Epilogue ~

I'm sorry to say that this program has been terminated due to the sad fact that shortly thereafter, a retained strangulation caused by repressed anger and a bad case of motherly love was forced upon our lovable main character, and she had been forced to take hospital leave.

When she returned, she was no longer interested in relating her story, and is now forcing Itachi to wear a garment that she picked out for him while they bake cookies together. The garment in question, sadly, is a pink 'Kiss the Cook' apron, and Liz was proud to carry out said order. I'm afraid to say it, but our fine Sharingan-ed friend, who can face a thousand armed samurai and not bat an eyelash, apparently swooned under the stress.

Luckily, even after such a nightmarish ordeal, Itachi Uchiha was able to return to his own world without too many bad memories of our world to take back with him. Liz allowed him to take home the 'Kiss the Cook' apron, which was accidentally maliciously destroyed in an oddly localized forest fire occurring near the place Itachi arrived back in the world of Naruto. Police are investigating but have not found the culprit as of yet, as they were constantly interrupted by the victim whistling innocently.

Merry Itachi Day to all, and to all a good night!

(Itachi Day is a holiday named in Itachi Uchiha's honor and is celebrated by all branches of W.E.A.S.E.L in the president's house at 3:00 o' clock on the dot every Saturday; join us on that day for cookies painstakingly decorated with black and red icing in a Sharingan shape [considered good luck if you get a Mangekyo Sharingan] and a friendly game of 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' once you sign the consent form. Please keep in mind the following: what happens in the president's living room stays in the president's living room, what happens in the game in purely fiction, and that we are not held responsible for any injury you may or may not sustain while playing this high-risk game.)

An alternate title for the game includes certain words that, for the sake of innocent minds across the globe, cannot be included in this story and therefore will not be published. Think of the children.

Breaking News! Most recently, we have found that the game 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' was played once more the following Saturday when Itachi Uchiha agreed to give the winner a kiss on one condition – the game would be a silent game. Whoever stayed silent longest won the game and therefore won the kiss.

Much to everyone's surprise, the girls were able to stay silent for two whole months, after which the winner was chosen and the girls got back together again only to realize that Itachi Uchiha had made his escape during the first ten minutes of the game. All 137 silently seething crazed fan girls devoted every passing second of their time to hunting him down.

Itachi was eventually found fishing on a dock in a rural backyard in the Louisiana Bayou. He was dragged back by force (apparently 137 angry fan girls are more than enough to overwhelm even the great Itachi Uchiha) and the winner decided on his punishment. She enjoyed it – Itachi did not. The girls would not take Kisame as a substitute, and Itachi was forced to accept the punishment graciously to keep his honor intact. For the winner's next birthday, Itachi was forced to play 'Bobbing for Apples' with her the entire day.

He was the apple.

(A compilation of W.E.A.S.E.L. information can be found in the W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook, under the same author.)


	2. The WEASEL Handbook

The W.E.A.S.E.L Handbook

* * *

W.E.A.S.E.L. is copyrighted and is not a real organization. Everything you are about to read is fiction. Reading Itachi's Bad Day [by the same author] is advised to come before you read this handbook.

* * *

Hello. I speak here in place of Liz Garrett, the official W.E.A.S.E.L. president. In case you're wondering, W.E.A.S.E.L. stands for 'Wanton Elites Association for Sharingan Lovers,' which was shortened to W.E.A.S.E.L. in honor of our favorite Sharingan-ed friend. Our motto is 'Itachi Uchiha; to have and to hold.'

The Association was founded a while back by Liz Garrett herself. We currently have over 10,000 members worldwide. As the club, we have approximately two hundred different branches of W.E.A.S.E.L. that work under Ms. Garrett in different towns and cities across the globe. This club is dedicated solely to Itachi Uchiha, although a rare few others are included in conversation, usually to compare them in passing.

Our regular club meetings are every Saturday at three o' clock exactly. There, we eat Sharingan cookies and play the game 'Give Me Back My Future Husband, Itachi Uchiha' (please keep in mind that we are not held responsible for any injuries you may or may not sustain while playing this high-risk game. Intended for ages 14 and up). To be a member, you must be female and between the ages of 14 and 20. Liz Garrett is currently the only member who has ever been face-to-face with Itachi Uchiha and survived while 100% conscious.

This handbook is basically a little information about our organization. If you would like to learn more, you can find more information under this author, anything with W.E.A.S.E.L in the title. Feel free to read other stories about this author as well. Included below is a list of rules to follow when talking to or getting involved in a/some member(s) of W.E.A.S.E.L.:

1. Firstly, 'Wanton' (unrestrained or frolicsome) does not mean the same thing as 'Wonton' (Chinese dumpling). This is a common misconception. We would never put something Chinese in something having to do with Itachi Uchiha, who is Japanese. If you can't keep the two straight, I suggest you not join. Punishment for referring to Itachi Uchiha as Chinese includes purposeful tripping in hallways, shunning by members of higher social status, and possible vengeful murder in your sleep.

2. Despite what W.E.A.S.E.L. looks like, we are not crazed fan girls. Do not refer to us as crazed fan girls. Punishment for referring to us as crazed fan girls includes writing lines, the stocks, and a planned but not yet completed Japanese-style Iron Maiden.

3. Please keep in mind that faking your age to enter the Association does not make you a legal member. If you are twelve and say that you are twenty, we _will_ know. We're not stupid. If you are still interested in joining, you must first swear loyalty to Itachi Uchiha and become our slave. New members are required to wear 'I Love Itachi Uchiha' shirts for the first three weeks of their membership. Whenever the name 'Itachi' is heard, the words 'he shall reign supreme' shall follow. No exceptions.

4. No, none of us have the Sharingan. None of us reside in the world of Naruto. We only have Sharingan eyes because we paid for the contact lenses over the internet. The cost is $200 a pair, and you can receive your own pair through the club treasurer. Please keep in mind that the pair of Sharingan contact lenses offers no added vision powers. Do not attempt to save the world while wearing. We also sell Sharingan nose piercings and Itachi dangly earrings, as well as hand-painted Itachi Uchiha triptychs that depict Itachi reigning supreme. They can be customized for an added hundred dollars to include you reigning at his side as queen.

5. You are required to donate at least 20% of your allowance to the club funds. The funds go to the icing for the weekly Sharingan cookies. If you get a Mangekyo Sharingan (sometimes referred to as 'Itachi') cookie, it is said that you will have good luck. This is not necessarily true, and jumping out of airplanes without parachutes afterward is ill-advised.

6. Itachi Uchiha plush toys are available through the club treasurer as well. Please note; the average lifespan of the Itachi Plushy held by a W.E.A.S.E.L. member is three days. The face tends to fall off after the first day and can be sewn back on for an added fee. Average lifespan for non-members is seventeen years.

7. I personally suggest that you lie low when Itachi appears to give a talk for the Association. New members have occasionally inadvertently been trampled and had to be hospitalized for some time afterward.

8. Punishment of death with be incurred on any who do the following to Itachi Uchiha: spit on, slap, ignore, step on, refer to as 'weasel man,' dress as a shepherdess, dress as a sheep, be alone with, speak English around, give ear-splitting shrieks around, swoon into his arms unless accompanied by at least four other members swooning simultaneously, watch romantic movie with, play 'Keep Away' with his ninja tools, steal his Daffy Duck socks, steal his Marvin the Martian socks. Please keep in mind that any of these done to Itachi Uchiha will result in immediate termination.

9. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Legos.

10. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to ANY video game, NO exceptions.

11. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Jennifer Lopez, even if you do know her personally. Introducing Itachi Uchiha to Jennifer Lopez will result in your immediate termination.

12. You are not allowed to introduce Itachi Uchiha to Steven Tyler, AC/DC, or Elvis Presley. Introducing Itachi Uchiha to any of the above stated will result in your immediate termination.

13. You are not allowed to push Itachi Uchiha off of the Golden Gate Bridge so that you can jump in after him and save him from drowning. Itachi Uchiha can swim. You cannot. Jumping in yourself to be saved by Itachi Uchiha is ill-advised; Itachi Uchiha has been known to let W.E.A.S.E.L. members be seriously injured from their own antics in front of him.

14. Itachi Uchiha does not allow any loitering or littering after nine o' clock on any weekday. No exceptions.

15. Most of the members already know that Itachi Uchiha is using them. They are allowing it of their own free will and will not be questioned. Those questioning fellow members on their sanity risk immediate termination.

16. Itachi Uchiha is a sociopath and crazy – no exceptions.

17. When Itachi Uchiha is in bed with a cold, you are not allowed to climb into bed with him under the pretense of sharing body heat. This is strictly forbidden. NO exceptions under ANY circumstances.

18. Itachi Uchiha has not been, is not, and will never be gay. Do not even suggest the 0.08% possibility that he is or you will risk immediate termination.

Note: Thank you for reading this handbook. I hope you enjoyed the information it provided. If you have read the handbook from beginning to end and still want to join, there is a good chance you should take it up with your psychiatrist. Talking to anyone about the information in this handbook is strictly forbidden and may cause immediate termination. No exceptions.

* * *

W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook Continuation

* * *

Once you have successfully joined W.E.A.S.E.L., there are some things you must go over. The basic customs of W.E.A.S.E.L. – which you should know by now – as well as rules can be found in the W.E.A.S.E.L. handbook listed above. Of course, the handbook won't tell you everything. After having joined W.E.A.S.E.L., congratulations, you are a member. We don't wear foil hats and always carry around telescopes, we don't mess around with insides, and we don't experiment with things that blow up.

Except maybe our hearts.

Anyway, there are a few rules, a bit about our history, and other information that must be laid down to begin with. A longer, more-detailed list will be as follows. Once you have read the entire list, I suggest you practice so that when you finally meet Itachi Uchiha (because everyone gets a turn at some point) you know proper etiquette.

1. When meeting Itachi Uchiha for the first time, introduce yourself as his biggest fan so as to not draw attention to yourself. Offer to get him his coffee. When he says, 'I do not drink coffee,' immediately reply, 'neither do I' – this is your first conversation.

2. If you were lying and you really do drink coffee, now you don't. Basically, everything you say around Itachi Uchiha will become reality. Therefore, when you need the bathroom, simply excuse yourself. We don't need to know why. Firstly, you're a teenager in the 21st Century – we know you're not powdering your nose, so stop making a fool of yourself by using that as an excuse. Second, 'I need to pee' is not proper etiquette and is not something anyone wants to hear, especially not Itachi Uchiha.

3. The telescope is for second-year members to see when he is coming and plan ahead. First-year members only get a pair of sunglasses.

4. The sunglasses, in case you're wondering, are not to protect you from Itachi Uchiha's Sharingan. Itachi Uchiha's Mangekyo Sharingan is the only private place you have. This does not mean you can do whatever you'd like. No exceptions.

5. Itachi Uchiha does not want to attend your beach party. He has been offered the exact same thing by 2,971 members. The only birthday party he has ever attended was his own, and after someone popped out of his cake and gave him a heart attack, he even stopped attending his own.

6. In case you're wondering, the person who popped out of his cake was immediately bound, gagged, and thrown into the river. This will happen to you if you attempt to make a name for yourself. Popping out of Itachi Uchiha's cake is strictly forbidden, unless you are a cockroach.

7. Dressing as a cockroach does not make you a cockroach and therefore does not give you the right to hide in Itachi Uchiha's cake.

8. Neither does dressing as a rat.

9. If you have heard of the twins who hid in his cake, you might think that all you need to do is get someone who looks like you to join you. The twins were both thrown into the Japanese-style Iron (Geisha) Maiden (See W.E.A.S.E.L. Handbook #3) which was recently built and christened by Itachi Uchiha himself, who hit it with a bottle of sake and said, and I quote, "this will be a lot of fun."

10. Itachi Uchiha was right.

11. Itachi Uchiha is always right.

12. As a matter of fact, Itachi Uchiha is never wrong, except for the one time when – do I dare say it? – he asked if Elizabeth Garrett (president and founder of W.E.A.S.E.L., the only one ever to have met Itachi Uchiha face-to-face and remained 100% conscious) was wearing pink nail polish or if it was natural. It was actually 'Party Pop Fuchsia' colored. We have never told him and don't plan to.

13. Water balloons painted like Sasuke's backside are not amusing. Sasuke has never 'mooned' his older brother and doesn't plan to. We have both brothers' signed statements to prove it.

14. The signed statements are under lock and key and guarded by a tiger in the underground military bunker known as F.E.R.R.E.T. Please do not attempt to steal those statements so that you can forge Itachi Uchiha's handwriting. It's in Japanese anyway – you won't be able to read it.

15. The handwritten signs that Itachi Uchiha has recently been giving to first years to wear on their shirts is not necessary. In fact, only when someone dared look up the characters did we realize that the first years have been wearing Japanese 'Kick Me' signs for a year. Itachi Uchiha has a sick sense of humor. Do not ask for his autograph.

16. Do not ask for his autograph on any part of your body.

17. Itachi Uchiha's sick sense of humor has been considered attractive by most third years – until they realized that their own proudly-worn signs said the Japanese version of 'Suckers.' The third years were remarkably cool about all this as they filed into the girl's bathroom to remove the signs discreetly.

18. When Itachi Uchiha has a cold, he doesn't want chicken soup. We know this because Itachi Uchiha has stated that he received over 1,500 recipes the last time alone, not to mention three crates of tissue boxes. He has not told us what he does want, and invites us to surprise him.

19. The whole octopus sent by a certain second year member during the course of his last cold was not funny. Even more so when Itachi Uchiha actually did eat it.

20. In case you're wondering, the statue of Itachi Uchiha in Elizabeth Garrett's basement is carved out of tofu. This is both so that the rats won't touch it and so that the other W.E.A.S.E.L. members won't kiss it. The only person who ever did taste it was Itachi Uchiha at its unveiling, when he proclaimed it to be satisfactory if a bit salty.

21. Some people laugh at everything he says. This is to lighten the mood. It is unadvisable when Itachi Uchiha says something along the lines of, 'I am in a bad mood.'

22. The best thing to do when Itachi Uchiha is in a bad mood is to take a plane to somewhere very, very far away. If he follows you, dress as a duckling – scientists have proven that it is a psychological response. No one can hurt a duckling.

23. If you do not happen to have a duckling costume on you, it would probably be a good idea to say your prayers, lie on the ground, and play dead. The most Itachi Uchiha would do upon coming upon a dead person is step on it on his way to wherever he is going. This may be painful.

24. Itachi Uchiha works under an interesting though sadly true philosophy – dead men tell no tails. This is also in the case of crazed fan girls; in other words, anyone not W.E.A.S.E.L. We do not give away Itachi Uchiha's secrets under any circumstances. I, for instance, shall never tell anyone of the sad occasion involving Itachi Uchiha, two 10,000-gallon drums of sour cream, and a fishhook.

25. There have, though indeed sad, been occasions where Itachi Uchiha has made mistakes in our world. Everything he does wrong we shall do immediately afterward. This includes the time when somehow, within ten minutes, one extraordinarily cute anime character and 17 W.E.A.S.E.L. members all ended up walking into the entrance of a sausage factory. The only one that did not throw up upon exiting was the single extraordinarily cute anime character, who some people said looked rather self-satisfied.

26. The picture of Itachi Uchiha in a pink 'Kiss the Cook' apron which our president forced him to wear while baking cookies is guarded by the same tiger in the same place as the signed documents stating that Sasuke Uchiha has never mooned his older brother. F.E.R.R.E.T. cannot be broken into by ordinary means. We know this because quite a few members have tried to see that picture using items up to and including a bicycle pump, three liters of seltzer water, a romance novel, a pizza, and a Mets baseball cap.

27. They failed, just like everybody else.

28. Allow me to correct myself. One person had succeeded in getting past the tiger using three filet mignons and a case of Budweiser. Once the tiger collapsed, the member snuck past and entered the room. There, she was immediately taken in by eight rabid weasels. Oddly enough, no one considered that there would be a second gate.

29. Or a third. Or a fourth.

30. Itachi Uchiha – despite common belief – is not romantically involved with anyone. We refuse to believe that last Monday's dinner with the Kurenai, a Jonin from the Village Hidden in Leaves, meant anything serious. The fact that he brought along flowers only means that he is a sentimental person who likes flowers.

31. This does not mean you have a chance.

32. I have only just realized how bad it sounded when I said that Itachi Uchiha is a sentimental person who likes flowers. I meant to say 'Itachi Uchiha is an egotistical person who likes power.' I am not simply saying this because Itachi Uchiha has just entered the room.

33. Itachi Uchiha is amazing, handsome, powerful, and the best ninja in the world. I am not saying this because he is looking over my shoulder.

34. Itachi Uchiha, as a matter of fact, is my favorite character ever. He is never, ever wrong, and he is smarter than Shikamaru. And… um… stronger than… er… Pein. I am not saying this just because he is holding a kunai knife over my head.

35. …

36. …

37. Thank heavens, he's gone. I couldn't think of any more of his good qualities to… I mean, I could think of some, but I have a feeling I would be very quickly swarmed by certain people asking me certain questions to which I have no answer to. Such as 'what did Itachi Uchiha's lips feel like.' I'm not joking. Who could answer that?

38. I am not saying that I have ever kissed Itachi Uchiha personally. …Okay, it was in a broom closet. I'm sorry, it just sort of happened. He was way too close for comfort. I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

39. I apologize. I am really not sorry for kissing Itachi Uchiha. I do, however, have the scars to prove it. Do not attempt this at home.

40. I think… maybe… I'd better stop here, while I'm ahead. Sorry.

Hopefully this information helped you. In the future, when meeting Itachi Uchiha for the first time, this information will prove helpful, I believe. Of course, if you were scared off by… wait, where are you going? Come back! I haven't even told you about the punishment list yet! Stop, will you? It's only three scrolls long…!


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